My Mother Treat Me Unfairly, What Should I do?

My Mother Treat Me Unfairly, What Should I do?

Question:
I am a daughter whom are used to be treated differently from my younger brother. Ever since I was little, whenever there was a mistake occurred, my mother would blame, even though it wasn’t my doing. If it was indeed mine, the blame would be harsher. She was never proud of what I did, instead, it was my brother who became the object of her favoritism, her praise, protection, and back up.

Now that I’m an adult and a married woman, I become more alienated . My mother said that I’ve married, thus she didn’t include me in any familial matter anymore. I feel absolutely ostracized, since I am the eldest child and even before my wedding, I’ve tried to take care of our family after my father divorced my mother.
I think that now that I’m already mature, I shouldn’t take the favoritism too personal, however, sometimes my mother’s words and acts really bring me down. I’ve been trying to apologize to my mother for all my sins, I even tried to mend the relationship between me and my brother, but they never admitted their wrongs nor apologize to me. That younger brother who was always championed over me became disrespectful to me, her eldest sister.
Recently, I was fed up with their attitude, thus I exploded to my mother. I think that it was a long buried feelings of being the oppressed one in the family. I realize my position as a child, and that I might be guilty and wrong in expressing my anger towards my mother.

However, I’d like to know, is a child have a right to express the truth or her feeling? I feel very depressed regarding this problem. I feel that as a child, anything that I’d voice over to my mother will be regarded as a sin and wrongdoing, hence my question, where’s a child’s right over her parent? Where’s the justice?
I feel like I’m going far away, since my presence seems to be unneeded anymore, I am disgusted with the way they treated me, and right now, I think I should stay away from them
Is my decision which is aimed to deflect any feud, clash, and tension, a correct one? Am I committing any sin, and guilty?
From: The Poor Kid

Answered by ustadz Said Ardiansyah, MA:

All praises be to Allah, peace and prayer of Allah be upon His messenger,
Before I answer the question, I shall clarify that I disagree with the label that you give to yourself. Verily, Allah is The Most Just, the Owner of everything. Allah knows all conditions His slave is in and going through, thus, it is more appropriate to call yourself, “A slave who is being tested.” And Allah never test any of His slave except that it will turn to be beneficial for him. What I can infer from your question is that it was all started from the separation of your parent hence the imbalance and favoritism of your mother.I conclude the problems into the following points:
1. Is it permissible for a kid to get angry towards her mother?
2. Is it permissible for a kid to express her feelings to her mother in order to point out the mistake that the mother did?
3. Is it permissible for a kid to distance herself from her mother in order to avoid clashes, chaos, and pressure from the mother?

Is it permissible for a kid to get angry towards her mother?

It is normal to be angry because of the injustice treatment from your mother. However, what we need to emphasize is how to overcome the anger, since as a human being who is prone to the satan’s persuasion, satan will use the chance to further ignite the anger and grow it.

The Messenger of Allah –peace and prayer of Allah be upon him- once advised a companions who came to ask him for an advice. He –peace and prayer of Allah be upon him- said repeatedly,

( لَا تَغْضَبْ )

“Do not be angry”[2] . It shows that anger ought to be put off as soon as possible; if not, it will bring a more severe result.
You should know that no matter what, a mother is still a mother. Among all people who did you good, no one has ever given us goodness that equal our mother. Don’t you remember, how your mother sacrificed herself during the nine months of pregnancy? Amidst adversities which got heavier and heavier each passing day. Is there anyone who ever does such kindness to you?
Don’t you remember, how your mother sacrificed during labour? While she had imagined before, will she be able to handle the pain of contraction later on? will she be able to deliver the baby inside of her womb? Will she survive the labor? Will the baby born safely?

Is there any other human being that could give us such kindness as long as we live?

Mother will always be mother. We are still bound to do good and devoted to her.
Is it alright for a child to reveal her feelings in order to explain the mistake on her mother’s part?
It is permissible for a child to communicate her feelings, conveying the truth, and advising her mother, if she truly is in the wrong. However, it is important to pay heed on the way the child communicate with her mother, so that she will not be angry.

The Messenger of Allah –peace and prayer of Allah be upon him- said,

( رِضَاءُ اللَّهِ فِي رِضَاءِ الْوَالِدِ ، وَسَخَطُ اللَّهِ فِي سَخَطِ الْوَالِدِ.)

““The please of Allah depends of the please of parent. And the wrath of Allah depends on the wrath of parent.”[3]
Even though our parent is a disbeliever, or a committer of major sin, we are not allowed to treat them harshly. Allah the Glorified and Exalted decreed,

{ وَإِنْ جَاهَدَاكَ عَلَى أَنْ تُشْرِكَ بِي مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِ عِلْمٌ فَلَا تُطِعْهُمَا وَصَاحِبْهُمَا فِي الدُّنْيَا مَعْرُوفًا }

“But if they press you to associate others with Me in My Divinity, (to associate) those regarding whom you have no knowledge (that they are My associates), do not obey them. And yet treat them well in this world, and follow the way of him who turns to Me in devotion. Eventually it is to Me that all of you shall return, and I shall then tell you all that you did.”” ( Luqman :15)

Therefore, we should be meticulous in choosing the right condition and situation to advise our parent, as well as the correct choice of gentle and polite words to do it. Thereby, our parent won’t feel as if they are being dictated, instead, they come to realize their mistake through the flow of talk and thus they wont feel hurt by what we said.

If we do not have the courage to speak to them, it is still possible to suse other ways such as putting books, papers, or articles about parental duty on tables, or other indirect ways.Is it permissible for a kid to distance herself from her mother to avoid feud, annoyance, and pressure from her?

It is alright for her to distance herself from her mother in order to avoid the said things. Moreover, it is only proper for the child to often relent to her mother, except if she ordered her to commit a sin or wrongdoing. Sometimes, problems arise because of none of the parties involved are willing to relent and yield to others.

Even if she is away from her mother, it doesn’t mean that she ceases to be dutiful to her. What a parent hope the most from her children in their adulthood is for them not to undutiful, by neglecting their parent.

Communicate with her often, by using the modern communication tools we have nowadays. At least, a child should often ask about her parent’s condition, and her needs. Therefore, by Allah’s permission, a harmonious relationship between them will exist.

In the end of my answer, I’d like to quote a hadith which hopefully benefits us all. The Messenger of Allah -peace and prayer of Allah be upon him- said,

(عَجَبًا لأَمْرِ الْمُؤْمِنِ إِنَّ أَمْرَهُ كُلَّهُ خَيْرٌ وَلَيْسَ ذَاكَ لأَحَدٍ إِلاَّ لِلْمُؤْمِنِ إِنْ أَصَابَتْهُ سَرَّاءُ شَكَرَ فَكَانَ خَيْرًا لَهُ وَإِنْ أَصَابَتْهُ ضَرَّاءُ صَبَرَ فَكَانَ خَيْرًا لَهُ)

“How amazing the state of a believer is, for all of his affairs is a good thing. And it is not happening to anyone except a believer. If he receives a pleasure, he is grateful, and it is good for him. If he receives difficulty, he is patient, and it is good for him.” [4]

May this answer benefits us.

[1] Narrated by At-Tirmidzi no.2398 , An-Nasâ’i in As-Sunan Al-kubrâ no. 7482 and Ibn Mâja no. 4523 (it is classified as valid hadith by Sheikh Al-Albâni in Ash-Shahîhah no. 143 and Al-Misykâh no. 1562).
[2] Narrated by Al-Bukhari no. 6116.
[3] Narrated by Ibn Hibban and others no. 429 (Tartiib Ibni Balabaan).
[4] Narrated by Muslim no. 2999